I wrote this a few months ago, when Earl committed to come back. But it’s a story that keeps on giving…
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Now that both insiders on Card blogs and then Fox Sports have reported that Earl Clark will be back–and knowing also that Derrick Caracter has been begging Rick to come back for awhile now to no avail–yet:
From my overly active imagination…
Scene: Darkened hallway. In the semi-darkness, several men are talking, at times loudly. Only silhouettes of their faces can be seen. They stand in front of an open doorway to a partially lit office, with a long narrow hall. At the end of the hall, there is a desk with a lamp casting a single, sharp beam on the desk’s surface. There is a man seated behind the desk, but only his folded hands can be seen.
In the darkness, a figure can be seen kneeling near the desk.
The talking of the men in the hallway becomes more animated. A very tall, large figure stands out among them in the gloom. He says little, although the talking seems directed to him.
Suddenly, there is a movement of the hands by the man behind the desk. A small gesture to come forward. The kneeling figure is gone. The men in the hall fall silent. They push the large figure toward the door, and he shuffles slowly toward the desk, until he’s standing in front of it. There is no sound or motion for a few seconds…..
RP: “So, my son, you come before me again. What is it you want of me this time.”
DC: “Uhh, Coach, uhh…well, you know…I’d… I’d really like to come back. You know, for next year. And play again. You know, that would be…”
RP: (The hands motion for the large man to stop talking. The voice sounds weary…) “My son, my son, my son. How many times have you come to me with this request? I have always granted your requests in the past. But, you have shown me and my family no respect. No respect! Every time, you shame me with your actions. How can I grant your request? Why do you even come before me?”
DC: (Shaken) “Uhh, well, uhh, I thought, uhhh…”
RP: (Again the hands motion for silence. Again, there is no sound or motion for a few seconds. Then the voice is directed to the men in the hallway …) “Vinny, come here, please.”
(A small muffled sound emits from the knot of men in the hallway. Another large figure moves hesitatingly toward the desk.)
RP: “Vinny, come… be with us. I need your help in telling a story.”
Vinny: “Uhh, yes, Coach, yes. Here I am. “
RP: “Good, good. Vinny, this young man has come to me with a request. Yet he has shamed me and our family, each time I have granted his requests in the past. Tell me Vinny, tell me…what should I do?”
Vinny: “Uhh, well, Coach, maybe you could…”
RP: (Again the hands motion for silence) “Vinny, I need your help in telling a story to this young man, so he will know. (The hands gesture toward the larger man again) You see, my son, I have only granted a request like this once before. Only once before have I granted a request after someone has shamed me and my family, again and again. Vinny remembers that time, don’t you Vinny?”
(There is a new sound — of water dripping. It is coming from the bottom of Vinny’s pants. Vinny’s face twitches around his frozen smile.)
RP: “You see, Vinny’s brother came to me many years ago with such a request. He had shamed the family too. I turned him down, but he pleaded again and again. Finally, I agreed to grant his request. But I only agreed to do it under one condition. Do you remember what that condition was, Vinny?”
Vinny (his eyes quite large now): “Yes, Coach, yes, I do. I do remember.”
RP: “Yes, I knew you would. Would you please tell this young man what that one condition was?”
Vinny: “Well, uhh, it was, uhh…”
RP: ‘Go ahead, Vinny, it’s OK, just tell him…”
Vinny: “It was…QUADRUPLE, DOUBLE-DOG-DARE-YA PROBATION !!!”
(There is an audible gasp from the men in the hallway. The sound of dripping water starts again.)
RP: “Yes, yes. Vinny, you do remember. Now, would you please tell this young man what happened when I granted that request to your brother those many years ago?”
Vinny: “Uhhh…. he, uhhh… shamed you and the family again, Coach.”
RP: ” Yes, yes, he did, Vinny. It made me very sad. (Sighs deeply) Now tell the young man what your brother’s name was?”
Vinny: “Coach, uhh, well, uhhh…”
RP: “Tell him, Vinny!”
Vinny: “OK, ok…it was…Vinny!”
DC: “What the ?!!”
Vinny (animatedly): “It was Vinny, Vinny, Vinny, Vin…!”
RP: (The hands motion for silence again) “Yes…it was Vinny. And what was your name back then, Vinny?”
Vinny: “Earl! My name is… uhh, was, Earl…”
RP: “Yes. It was Earl. But when your brother shamed the family once again–while he was on QUADRUPLE, DOUBLE-DOG-DARE-YA PROBATION—something HAD to be done, didn’t it…Earl?”
Vinny: “Yes, Coach…. Something had to be done.”
RP: “And please tell the young man what was done, Earl.”
Vinny (looking down): “Well, uuhhh…Vinny had to go away. I had to take Vinny away.”
RP: “Yes, unfortunately, Vinny had to go away. He had shamed the family once again –the last time. But we made sure everyone remembered Vinny –and QUADRUPLE, DOUBLE DOG-DARE-YA PROBATION–didn’t we, Earl. Tell the young man how we made sure.”
Vinny: “Well, uhhh, Coach, after I made Vinny go away…you made me take his name.”
RP: “Yes, Vinny, good, very good. And now everyone still remembers….So you see, my son, what you ask of me is very, very difficult. But…I will grant your request…as long as you promise to remember the story.”
DC (eyes like saucers now): “Coach, uhh, now that I think about it some more, I really don’t know whether…”
RP: (Cutting him off as he is escorted away) “Yes, I will grant your request, my son. But please remember the story, my son. Please remember it well. Very, very well. Vinny will help you remember it, won’t you Vinny?”
(The sound of dripping water increases, as the scene fades to dark.)
