Hell in the Hall – Louisville Sports Blog

I’m ready for football. I really am.

Nothing could be worse than the total debacle that was Card football last year. My expectations have now been lowered to Cooperish levels.

Football last year? I’ve already bitched and cried and drank enough bourbon about it. It’s time to laugh.

It was such a total farce, that I wrote this post last year soon after the 4th game of the year–the Syracuse debacle. Coach K-speak had reached cliche’ heights unimagined. It was roughly at that point also that Card linebacker Willie Williams was pulled over with a mouth full of marijuana evidence he was trying his best to to chew and swallow.

Also, a few months earlier, former UK guard Dirk Minnifield had suddenly emerged after 20 years to let us know that it was a joint he smoked THE DAY BEFORE the original Dream Game that caused him to miss that key layup late in the game and THAT cost UK the victory. Darn! (Naww, it couldn’t have been the Card shot blocking machine of a center, Charles Jones! )

BTW, please note that only a major second half rally by the Cards in the Rutgers game kept me from correctly predicting the final W-L for the season….

Scene: K’s press conference after a 48-28 drubbing at home by Rutgers to finish a 5-7 season.

K: I know this has been a long, difficult season for all Card fans. And, I want everyone to know that the buck stops here, there will be no excuses, and we’ll go back to work and fix this right away.

But, I guess this is finally the time to let everyone know WHY this has been such a difficult season.

I’m sorry to say this: But everyone at U of L– except of course the Koaches — were pot-smoking felons!

Crowd: (Collective gasp)

K: Yes, even Tom J and Doc Ramsey…

Crowd: (People faint)

K: In fact, Tom was smoking a big doobie when we signed my contract. I should have known then, darn it!

Tom: Yes, it’s true. I hate to admit it, but after that Orange Bowl, well, I just kicked back and celebrated — a lot. Doc here didn’t indulge as much…

Doc: No, Tom, I won’t let you take all the heat. I was toking on one of your special J’s when I signed off on that damn thing too.

K: I know this is a shock to everyone. Let me introduce an expert on the subject who can go into more details. Dirk?

Dirk Minnifield: (Still obviously dazed from that toke in ’83) If I could just do it over again. I was going up for that easy layup…

K: No, err, Dirk, please…focus on the current situation…

Dirk: Oh, yeah… MaryJane …evil woman… bad stuff. F*ck you up…Bad, bad, really bad. Really, really…

K: Uhh, thanks Dirk for that insight. Now fans, you can see the total mess Dirk is, so now you know it was an uphill, no-win battle for the Koaches.

In fact, even Brian…

Crowd: (Screaming now) No, not Brian!

K: Yes, BB didn’t indulge directly but he got plenty second-hand stuff, didn’t you, Brian?

Brian: (Sheepishly) Yeah, I didn’t know how dangerous this stuff was until Dirk told me. I was just riding in Willie’s car…

K: Now, Brian, it’s time to come totally clean — you were ALL in Willie’s car.

Brian: Yeah, 22 guys stuffed into one car — it seemed funny at the time…

K: Yes, that’s when the red flags really went up for the Koaches. We knew we had to nip this in the bud…

Tom: (Grimly determined) That’s when I cleaned my own act up , and suggested that K bring Dirk in. We owe an eternal debt of gratitude to this man.

Dirk: (Smiling at Tom) Thanks Joe B!

K: Now, I’m open for any questions.

Mike: Card Chronicle here. Koach, if you and the Koaches haven’t been high on weed all season, then my readers want to know just what drugs have you been taking? Because, frankly, they want the good stuff too..

K: I want to assure you and everyone again that the Koaches are certainly no pot smoking felons!

Mike: Could you be any more specific about …

K: No, that’s my statement