How Dirk Minnifield Will Save Card Football
Posted by frankpos on July 9, 2009
By god, K’s no quitter!
But…he’s no winner, either:
0-6 versus UK, UConn, Syracuse
35-35 lifetime against I-A schools
6-19 lifetime versus BCS schools.
4-10 record in the Big East
11-13 as head coach at Louisville…..
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(The following was written over a year ago, after the FIRST Syracuse meltdown, but it still reads fresh…)
Nothing could be worse than the total debacle that was Card football year. My expectations have now been lowered to Cooperish levels.
Football last year? I’ve already bitched and cried and drank enough bourbon about it. It’s time to laugh.
It was such a total farce, that I wrote this post last year soon after the 4th game of the year–the Syracuse shocker. Coach K-speak had reached cliche’ heights unimagined. It was roughly at that point also that Card linebacker Willie Williams was pulled over with a mouth full of marijuana evidence he was trying his best to to chew and swallow.
Also, a few months earlier, former UK guard Dirk Minnifield had suddenly emerged after 20 years to let us know that it was a joint he smoked THE DAY BEFORE the original Dream Game that caused him to miss that key layup late in the game and THAT cost UK the victory. Darn! (Naww, it couldn’t have been the Card shot blocking machine of a center, Charles Jones! )
BTW, please note that only a major second half rally by the Cards in the Rutgers game kept me from correctly predicting the final W-L for the season….
Scene: K’s press conference after a 48-28 drubbing at home by Rutgers to finish a 5-7 season.
K: I know this has been a long, difficult season for all Card fans. And, I want everyone to know that the buck stops here, there will be no excuses, and we’ll go back to work and fix this right away.
But, I guess this is finally the time to let everyone know WHY this has been such a difficult season.
I’m sorry to say this: But everyone at U of L– except of course the Koaches — were pot-smoking felons!
Crowd: (Collective gasp)
K: Yes, even Tom J and Doc Ramsey…
Crowd: (People faint)
K: In fact, Tom was smoking a big doobie when we signed my contract. I should have known then, darn it!
Tom: Yes, it’s true. I hate to admit it, but after that Orange Bowl, well, I just kicked back and celebrated — a lot. Doc here didn’t indulge as much…
Doc: No, Tom, I won’t let you take all the heat. I was toking on one of your special J’s when I signed off on that damn thing too.
K: I know this is a shock to everyone. Let me introduce an expert on the subject who can go into more details. Dirk?
Dirk Minnifield: (Still obviously dazed from that toke in ‘83) If I could just do it over again. I was going up for that easy layup…
K: No, err, Dirk, please…focus on the current situation…
Dirk: Oh, yeah… MaryJane …evil woman… bad stuff. F*ck you up…Bad, bad, really bad. Really, really…
K: Uhh, thanks Dirk for that insight. Now fans, you can see the total mess Dirk is, so now you know it was an uphill, no-win battle for the Koaches.
In fact, even Brian…
Crowd: (Screaming now) No, not Brian!
K: Yes, BB didn’t indulge directly but he got plenty second-hand stuff, didn’t you, Brian?
Brian: (Sheepishly) Yeah, I didn’t know how dangerous this stuff was until Dirk told me. I was just riding in Willie’s car…
K: Now, Brian, it’s time to come totally clean — you were ALL in Willie’s car.
Brian: Yeah, 22 guys stuffed into one car — it seemed funny at the time…
K: Yes, that’s when the red flags really went up for the Koaches. We knew we had to nip this in the bud…
Tom: (Grimly determined) That’s when I cleaned my own act up , and suggested that K bring Dirk in. We owe an eternal debt of gratitude to this man.
Dirk: (Smiling at Tom) Thanks Joe B!
K: Now, I’m open for any questions.
Mike: Card Chronicle here. Koach, if you and the Koaches haven’t been high on weed all season, then my readers want to know just what drugs have you been taking? Because, frankly, they want the good stuff too..
K: I want to assure you and everyone again that the Koaches are certainly no pot smoking felons!
Mike: Could you be any more specific about …
K: No, that’s my statement
Sonja said
It is a nice change of pace. And, the vast majority of fans will roll back around to football in the fall. We’ll get pumped up about the guys we love out there…the Anderson’s, Beaumont’s and Guy’s. We’ll watch the predicted QB battle with anticipation. Some of us will boldly predict we’ll beat the Cats. Hope springs eternal in the Cardinal football fan’s mindset. WE want our guys to do well and give us dsomething to cheer about. The good news is we can start the cheering right here, right now…with two excellent basketball teams to watch.
Go get ‘em Rick and Jeff! The orange ball has replaced the brown one.
frankpos said
Ah yes, extreme adversity for some reason seems to inspire a burst of creative writing
Well, now, finally on to something more positive…basketball.
When you’ve been ranked the 7th greatest college basketball program of all-time, thankfully there’s usually something to cheer about.
Sonja said
Great work, Frankie! Well played, indeed…sir! Since we’re bringing out the dirty laundry and skeletons…here’s an interview I did awhile back that I’ve had under lock and key for years…until the courageous post you offered today.
COOPER PREDICTS ROSY 1997 FOR FOOTBALL TEAM
After two years and a 12-10 record, UofL Head Football Coach Ron Cooper sees this year as a breakout season for the gridiron Cards. We met for 3 AM White Castles recently and talked about UofL Football, Def Leppard and the possibilities of red-shirting Chris Redman for the season.
SONYA: Ron, your (burp) 2-0 against the Cats. Will the domination continue in the opener?
R.C. Absolutely! We’re not gonna flinch. I think Jason Payne could throw for 400 against them. Hey, do they always put onions on these things?
SONYA: No Chris Redman?
R.C.: I’m thinking of getting him a redshirt year, or converting him to a punter. He got lucky a lot last year, I need a stable QB. I need a soft drink, too..or another double deuce Bud.
SONYA: You’ve lost some key defensive players. How will you adjust?
R.C.: Terry Rice-Locket will prove he’s a next level player. I also plan on playing 13 guys out there every time I think I can get away with it.
SONYA: You must be excited about moving into a new stadium next year.
R.C.: Actually, I like this old rusting scrap yard. Thinking of just letting the soccer and field hockey teams play there and staying here. It’s easy to find, and the media just loves the press box facilities.
Can we get another sack of these? Yummy!
SONYA: You got it, coach. Maybe you’ll pay this time? How do you like Conference USA and rate the teams this year?
R.C. There’s no doubt, it’s the powerhouse conference of college football. Or basketball. I get confused sometimes. Listen, there is no way Tulane, Houston or East Carolina comes in here and beats us this year. We’ll romp Cincy up there, crush Southern Miss in Hattiesburg. By the time we play Memphis down there, we’ll be undefeated…top 5 in the nation and I’ll be the front runner for coach of the year. Hey’s that’s a great song on the radio? Is that Led Zeppelin?
SONYA: No. It’s Dep Leppard and they’re pretty average. You’re saying you’re going to knock off pre-season favorite Penn State and Oklahoma?
R.C. Yeah, I’ll say that. I’ll say most anything if it gets the paycheck signed, and I get media attention. I know this great guy, Robby Petrino…taught me a lot about media manipulation and glittering generalities. Shame he’ll never get a major head coaching gig.
No offensive ingenuity.
SONYA: Coach, you’ve got mustard..I hope..on your shirt. Let’s wrap it up with a eye catching quote.
R.C.: How about…”the tradition of Cardinal football is in the hands of a skilled navigator and I know him.” Or, “Louisville, we’re not a basketball school anymore … especially in July”
SONYA: Good luck, Coach..and have a great season.
R.C.: I plan on it. When does it start and can I get a peek at my players’ roster? Who let the dogs out? Will you let me drive? Who’s that guy in the backseat curled up with that Browning Nagle poster and photo of Howard? Still not flinching!
(The University of Louisville Cardinals went 1-10 in 1997 and Cooper was replaced at the end of the season. The above conversation was also a parody…duh! YA think?)
cbcard said
I remember charting the play calling on first down of one game late in Cooper’s last year. We had Redmond and Ibn, a great passing game combination, and the first time we passed on first down was with 8 minutes to go down by three or four touchdowns. We didn’t do too well on first down with our opponent stacking 8 guys in the box. Play action pass? Cooper couldn’t have spelled that with a 12 letter head start.